One chapter in a very big book #BellLetsTalk

This is a vulnerable and uncomfortable story for me but one that I realize is important to share. To be honest I have thought about sharing this in the past but got discouraged because I was afraid of sounding like a victim. I know now that I am far from that. I have decided that it is nothing to be ashamed of and it is a story of strength. So here it is, the short of the long;

In high school, at the beginning of Grade 10, I became very ill with a severe case of mononucleosis, a sleep disorder that drains you of all of your energy. I was hospitalized for a couple of weeks and one day a nurse brought a girl into my room to play cards with me. She was dressed in plain clothes which prompted me to ask her what she was doing in the hospital. She told me that she lived in the psych ward. I was confused and asked her why. She looked to the floor shamefully and in a quiet voice she said, "I'm really depressed." I was confused. After all, I had my bad days too. I felt awkward and didn't know what to say so I reached out and grabbed her arm and said to her "just be happy!"
Cut to three months later, I was still at home out of school from being so sick. I had dropped nearly 20 pounds and I was too weak to walk around the house. I'm not blaming my sickness as the cause but it definitely played a part and it is when everything started.
Over time, I spiraled into a deep, very dark depression. This wasn't something I had ever experienced. I had felt sadness before, but this was much different. It was like being surrounded by a very heavy darkness and it was as if every cell that once made up my body had completely changed and I couldn't even genuinely smile anymore. I had to force it. And forcing it was painful. Back at school and dance, nothing had changed but It was as though I was looking out into the world through a different pair of eyes, or as if I was walking around in a nightmare. I started having suicidal thoughts. After reaching out to my mom for help, I started seeing a psychologist regularly. In the earlier sessions I would just sit in her chair unable to speak, I could only cry. I couldn't understand why I felt this way. I had no reason. Eventually I began taking anti depressants. Everything I thought and every action I took reflected my mental state. I didn't see anything as beautiful and I hated myself most of all. I gained weight, I became sexually reckless and despite clearly being advised not to consume alcohol while taking anti depressants, I got wasted every weekend. Things got progressively worse.
After I confided in my therapist (from her questioning) that I had made plans to carry out a suicide, she brought my parents in for a meeting and told all of us that I would have to be committed to go live at the hospital for full time supervision. I had flashes of the young girl that played cards with me. I bawled my eyes out and begged for that not to be the situation. But that was her job, to ensure my well being and safety. So I acted out of desperation. At a point when I was at my lowest, I lied in my next session and told her I was starting to shift my perspective and that I was beginning to feel lighter. There was no way in hell everyone at school was going to find out about this. Not even my closest friends knew. I put on a mask everyday. It was agonizing.
I wanted to end my life so badly that it tortured me because the only thing that kept me alive at that time was my family. I couldn't hurt them. I was so angry about that obstacle. But looking back I thank God for them and of course I still do. Back then I saw that obstacle as a weakness, but I now know, that the love I had for my family was in fact my only strength at that time.
I wish I could sum up the recovery process in a concise way but It was a long road and a LOT of personal work. And what is really important about this story is that unless someone has experienced mental illness, they will never quite understand it. It's so easy to judge when you haven't walked in someone else's shoes. The girl in the hospital made zero sense to me when I met her until I became her. It's inconceivable when you are so far gone to just "cheer up" or "think positive." I can't stress enough how important it is to seek help and open up about it. Every time I hear of someone taking their own life, I feel it physically in the pit of my stomach. I've been to that place and I'm so grateful to have made it out. I have decided that my experience is a true gift. I feel so much joy in my life everyday now. I laugh until the point of tears CONSTANTLY. And having experienced two extreme ends of a very wide spectrum, those moments feel like ecstasy to me. I feel love so deeply that it hurts sometimes. Those are the BEST times. Of course I still go through periods in my life that are dismal and really hard but I now have the perspective and experience to trust that things will change. Nothing is more important than our mental wellbeing. Only love is real and if you focus on it, it will change your life. You must be relentless in the pursuit of raising your vibrations every day. Stay on top of it as best you can, you are so worth it. And don't be afraid or ashamed to talk about it. If you are struggling, I get it. I hear you. Here is to spreading awareness! It can and will get better. 
 #bellletstalk

Us not Them

I keep seeing an abundance of facebook statuses lately to the tune of "what is our world coming to!?" "The world is going to shit!" ya know, things of that nature. I'm guessing you have probably seen the same if you too are a member of crackbook. Yes, there are many scary and painful things happening in the world right now that have me crying into my coffee almost daily but there always has been. It's just with social media, we have become a LOT more aware of what is going on around this planet. Does that mean that things have gotten worse for us as a human race in more recent history? the truth as I see it is, Yes AND No. We have regressed in so many stupid ways that I sometimes feel I'm going cross eyed and we have also come a loooong way in other respects but that is for a different post. (Maybe someone else's)  So with that I say this:

   A lot of our reality is so disheartening and heartbreaking. It becomes harder these days to be ignorant to it which can be depressing but it also gives us the power and choice to take some action if we feel inclined. If we let our collective consciousness, as it pertains to the current state of the world, (which we ALL had part in creating whether we want to admit that or not) be one that is predominantly negative, bitter and fear based and one that despises the human race (us), then things will never get any better, they will actually get worse.
 I believe people are generally good. We're struggling but everyone, besides maybe the odd Bernardo or Dahmer is capable of love. I'm not trying to preach here. I work daily to simply turn petty, bitchy moods into good ones, sometimes without success but I really try. Like this morning I was feeling real "womp womp" and sorry for myself so I threw on some Robyn and had a small solo dance party and felt so much better after. Remember how our buddy Ghandi told us to be the change we wish to see in the world? (No wiser words I believe) If you wish "people" were less violent, don't scream and swear at the terrible driver next to you, If you wish "people" weren't such assholes don't be such a dick to the telemarketer who calls you whenever it's most inconvenient and drop any excuse you have to justify your dick-ness.  Ugh but I hate telemarketers and how on EARTH did they get my number!?? where was I?...Oh yeah, also  remember how Hugh Grant In Love Actually said "If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around."  He's right, it's truuueee! The ugliness that goes on worldwide is a by product of lack of love. There are only two forces; Love and lack of it. We are all responsible no matter how big or small a scale we are dealing with.

Story break! Allow me to entertain you with a not so shining moment of mine;
A couple of weeks ago I had an irritating gym monkey breathing down my neck all night. After the first few times he stepped inside my personal space I was polite. I told him almost immediately that I had a boyfriend to which he reacted as if I just farted and walked away without a word. Rude. The final time he came up to me, leaning all of his huge body mass on me and breathing into my ear, I calmly and as politely as I could, told him that I didn't want to talk to him. His response: "WHY!?" my response; "Because to be honest, I think you are rude" THEN!....This fine young gentleman told me that I was in fact the one who was rude, I was a fucking bitch and he hoped I'd get hit my a BUS! Well my hand just involuntarily flew at his face and I delivered an oscar worthy slap. Am I proud of it? No. But I'm also not evolved enough to promise I wouldn't do it differently. The point of this story though is that what I DO understand is no matter the reason or justification, there is a correlation between my one small violent act and the state of the world and I would be ignorant to say that there isn't. Any time we excuse our actions with a "they started it, they deserved it" etc we are truly not getting the picture. Through gritted teeth I wish that guy welllllll.

What about this? If we have lost faith in humanity so much that a buzz feed article about "15 small human acts of kindness" have us freaking out and sharing it all over social media with captions like "FAITH IN HUMANITY RESTORED!" then we need to check ourselves. Those things are so wonderful of course and should be celebrated but they shouldn't be so completely foreign and novel to us. Things like that are literally happening ALL the time. We actually just need to focus our awareness on those things and they will be everywhere we look. Better yet, why not instead DO 15 small acts of kindness ourselves? Because that shit is awesome! lets do more of it! And lets try not to lose our faith in humanity in the first place. Lets KEEP the faith so that it no longer needs to be restored. Maybe put money in someones parking meter or return a lost wallet and...DUN DUN DUN...Don't post it as your status for all to applaud;) Sorry that was cynical and kinda bitchy buuuutttt.....it's noted and Im going to work on that ok?

I'll leave you with this awesome clip of famous movie slaps to make your day which coincidentally is called "Glove, actually" THE. BEST!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9p2R-2qKhg

Thank you!

In the spirit of one of the most enjoyable holidays in my personal opinion I would like to talk about some of the things I am most thankful for at this time in my life.

#1). My family

I am really lucky to have such a wonderful, loving and supportive family. And I say lucky because you cant choose your family so, man am I lucky to have landed this one! We are all slightly weird, we like to break into sporadic sparring matches if we ever cross paths in the kitchen and we all answer the phone in a loud sing song-y voice that goes something like this "HI-IIIIIEEEEEE!!!!". But besides that, the four of us couldn't be more different from one another.

My mother is a genius. I'm not kidding, this woman knows more about everything and anything than anyone I know. She was a teacher for 32 years as well as a Vice Principle and she also specialized in gifted education. She is now almost finished writing a book and plans to write another one. who needs an encyclopedia when you have her for a mother? My mom is my savior in so many ways. She helps me out whenever I need it (a lot)  and she always knows exactly what to say when I'm feeling down and out. Not because she knows what I want to hear but because her words have such honest wisdom behind them. She is a woman of true grit. In all honesty I would be lost without my mom. Isn't she beautiful?

My Father is a lumber salesman by day and a painter by night. If you want to find my Dad, he's usually tucked away in the garage where he has an art studio. He is the kind of man who would do absolutely anything for his wife and daughters, even though he always used to joke that he would trade us in for a boy if we misbehaved. My father is a really strong man. Things that would in a lot of cases break an individual has made him stronger and I admire him for that. My Dad is very artistic, compassionate and funny. It's near impossible for him to refrain from making a lame joke if it's relevant. For those who know me, I've clearly inherited that quality. I definitely have it in me.........that's what she said.

My sister is quite a character. She is bubbly, creative, nurturing, fun and can imitate just about any accent. I don't mean to sound biased but she is the most talented makeup artist in the city. She has a serious eye for beauty and can bring it out in anyone. Ever since we were little kids, every time I had a friend over she would give us makeovers. We would go into the room looking 7 years old and come out looking like 25 year old call girls.  Born to be! I am thankful for having such a cool sister:)

So yep, that about sums up my family. We go together in perfect harmony:) I am SO thankful for them.

#2) Dan

Dan and I have been together for over three years now although we can't really remember when our anniversary is...? In the very beginning my friends and I used to call him A.D.D ( accidentally dating Dan) because he came along at a time in my life when I wanted nothing more than to be single. It turned out to be a happy accident because Dan is one of the very best men that I have ever met in my life.

 Dan is a mans man. He is a master when it comes to camping,  cooking up gourmet meals on a fire like a pro and can chop wood like a lumberjack  He is naturally athletic and excels at every single sport (swoon)
Dan loves dogs and spends most of his spare time playing guitar. He also has a borderline unhealthy obsession with Slash. No joke, we went to see slash in concert and I have NEVER seen someone so excited in my life. Oops, I almost forgot to mention that he is becoming a firefighter....giggity giggity alright!

I look up to Dan because he just seems to have things figured out. He's always so relaxed and easy going. The only thing that really seems to get him worked up is rush hour and bad drivers. He's hard working, he knows exactly what he wants and above all. he treats me like gold. I can honestly say that he has never ONCE been an asshole to me. Not even when I'm being ridiculous.
I must admit that I sometimes take for granted the fact that I have a really great guy. I'm a lucky lady.

#3) The True Heroines

Ever since Myself and my three great Friends Joel, Fiona, and Jovanna hatched what used to be just a dream to bridge the gap between stage and screen, The True Heroines has been such an important part of my life. Now with an entire team of 7 talented people, The True Heroines is a web series which is in the works to becoming a one hour television pilot. We also have a live companion show in which the colorful characters of the series sing and dance for you on stage.(tasteful yet scantily clad) The gap has been bridged!
Being a part of this amazing project has taught me valuable lessons such as teamwork, diligence, patience and faith. We have created for ourselves an outlet to continuously do what we love. I have proof that hard work really does pay off.. I have nothing but great faith in this love child of ours but whatever the outcome may be, whether The True Heroines is the next hit T.V series or the next hit Web series, I am loving the journey and that, after all is the most important part.
Check us out! www.thetrueheroines.com

Nobody puts Baby in the corner

I would like to take some time to talk about a timeless classic, Dirty Dancing.  Now where to begin? No seriously, where to begin?! This could potentially go on forever. My love of this movie, the music, the actors and every last detail goes way beyond words. For years as a child, my best friend and I would watch this movie everyday after school. No joke, every single day. excessive? absolutely not!. We would go to her house, play a couple rounds of Mario cart and then sit down to watch the best movie ever made. Sigh:)

Let me just start by saying, Patrick, where did you get your moves? Honestly you are just the epitome of masculinity, grace, sex appeal (dont get me started) and strength all balled up into one.
From the moment Patrick's character Johnny walks into the resort with his sunglasses on (at night) and a leather jacket slung over his shoulder, I developed at a very young age, what my idea of cool was. So far I have unfortunately never met anyone that cool but hey, look who you have to compete with.

I still to this very day wonder if there is a secret, shack style hideout where people go to just straight up dirty dance to Otis Redding and the likes. Where not one person is just standing around awkwardly with a drink in hand, trying to look cool. I wanna find this place asap. I'd carry a watermelon there anyday.


I don't know about you but I couldnt help but feel a little disappointed when I found out that sex isn't like Johnny and Baby portrayed it. Turns out there ISN'T always a romantic record conveniently playing in the background before you even enter the room and foreplay isnt always a sexy partner dance consisting of dips and backbends but Im slowing getting over it.

Now I dont want to put Baby down because I love her and she really pulled off the whole dancing thing like a pro even though she had never danced in her life before she met Johnny and I also don't want to brag but Im pretty sure I could nail that overhead lift in 3, maybe 4 tries in the studio. But I'd pretend that I was really struggling so Johnny and I could practice in the lake just for fun. There is something so romantic about playing in the water!

Ok now things are getting serious. I've heard that a NEW dirty dancing is coming out. And Im not talking about a sequel. Im talking about a full on REMAKE! What are these people thinking!?!? This movie is perfect, it doesn't need to be REMADE! That's just the thing about timeless classics, they are "timeless!" Good luck finding actors that will do Patrick and Jennifer justice. GOOD LUCK!! Whoah, "someones" blood is boiling. I'm just saying, "if it aint broke, don't fix it."

I'll conclude this entry by stating again that I love Dirty Dancing and I am so thankful for it's existence. I leave you with this quote:

-"I'm afraid of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life, the way I feel when I'm with you!" -Francis Houseman AKA Baby 

RIP Patrick Swayze. Nobody can replace you:)

theWARofART

A few days ago, an incredibly inspiring friend of mine urged me to go pick up the book "The war of art." by Steven Pressfield insisting that it would change my life. So me being the type of person who feels about the idea of potential growth and change in the same way a cat feels about cat nip (side note: Im pretty sure that I was a cat in my last life but I'll get to that later) I made my way to chapters to buy it that same day. Was it a coincidence that it was one of the first books I laid eyes on at the front of the store? I think NOT.
 It also probably wasn't a coincidence that a couple of hours later, I "conveniently" forgot it at work and didn't have time to go back to get it before I left for a weekend camping trip.Oops

When I finally had it back in my hands I was humored to find that the entire first half of the book was all about resistance. It only took reading a few pages for me to realize that I may just be one of the most resistant people I know ...to the point where I feel like Steven Pressfield owes me a credit in his book.
Its funny because, how many of us say that we want something "SO BAD," "we'd do anything to change," "We are going to start doing yoga every single day (my two week unlimited pass is up and I cant afford it right now so BACK OFF!) etc etc. yep , we say a lot of things. I know I do. The thing is, I really do mean it when I say it but resistance and fear often take control. waa waa waa....

Now I don't want to devalue my accomplishments over the last 26 years and I'm not saying I don't work hard but its exciting to think of what my accomplishments WOULD and COULD be if I stopped resisting so much and focused that energy into my creative work..

Although many of us know in our hearts that it's worth the risk, way too many of us let fear, procrastination and so many other excuses stand in the way of the things that could  make our lives extraordinary. I'm going to go ahead and guess that Meryl Streep doesn't  procrastinate, self sabotage and make excuses for herself too often. She's got bigger fish to fry!
So on that note I'm going to go crawl into bed and continue reading "The War of Art"....after I check facebook of course. Let's be honest.